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Lithe
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xx Re: Things That Really Piss Me Off
« Reply #6 on: Jun 30th, 2006, 3:56pm »

Thank you.

Now this next rant will be concerned with, once more, the airport, and the imperfectness of the English language. Needless to say, i'll be dissecting bad grammar like Minerva with a scimitar.
--------------------------------------------------

*AHHEM*

What the two things stated above have in common, is while flying on the air lines, you hear the announcemements that come over the PA and try to pretend the thing you're hearing is really English.

Dosen't seem like it to me. The whole thing starts when you get to the gate. First announcement: "We would like to begin the boarding process." Extra word; process! Not necessary! Boarding is enough! We'd like to begin the boarding. Simple! Tells the story.

People add extra words when they want something to sound more important than they really are. Boarding process, sounds important... It isn't! It's just a bunch of people getting on a plane!

People like to sound important. Weathermen on television talk about "shower activity". Sounds more important that just "shower". I even heard one guy on CNN talk about a rain event! I swear to God, he said, "Louesianna is expecting a rain event!", and I thought 'Holy *censored* I hope I can get tickets to that!'

Emergency situation. People from the news like to say "The police have responded to an emergency situation!". No they haven't, they've responded to an emergency! We KNOW it's a situation! Everything is a situation! Anyway, as part of this "boarding process", they say, "We would like to pre-board." ... Well what exactly is that anyway?

What does it mean to pre-board? You get on before you get on?! Thats another complaint of mine, too much use of this pre-fix pre-! It's all over the language now! Pre-this! Pre-that! Place the turkey in a pre-heated oven! It's rediculus! There are only two states an oven can possibly exist in, HEATED OR UN-HEATED!. Pre-heated is a meaningless *censored*ing term!

It's like pre-recorded. "This programme was pre-recorded." Well OFCOURSE it was pre-recorded! When are ya gonna do it? AFTERWARDS!? That's the whole purpose of recording! To do it before-hand! Otherwise it dosen't really work, does it?! Pre-existing, pre-planning, pre-screening... You know what I tell these people!?
PRE-SUCK MY GENITAL SITUATION!!!

... And they seem to understand what i'm talking about.

Anyway, as part of this pre-boarding, they, "We would like to pre-board those passengers travelling with small children." ... Well what about those passengers travelling with large children!? Suppose you ahve a two year old with a petuitary disorder! Y'know, a six-foot infant with an oversized head?! Come to think of it, the kindof kids you see in the National Inquirer all the time.

At about this time someone is telling you to get on the plane... "Get on the plane, get on the plane!"

...

I SAY *censored* YOU, IM GETTING IN THE PLANE! IN THE PLANE! Let Evil Kinevel get ON the plane, im getting IN the plane! it seems much less windy in there!

...

<_<
>_>

They might tell you that you're on a non-stop flight... Well I don't care much for that. I insist my flight stop. Preferably at an airport. It's those unscheduled cornfield and middle-of-nowhere stops that seem to interrupt the flow of my day!

Oh boy... here's one they just made up. When two planes almost collide it's called a near-miss... IT'S A NEAR HIT! A collision is a near-miss. *HUGE*censored*INEXPLOSION* Look! They nearly missed! ... Yeah, they did... BUT NOT QUITE!

They also might tell you that you're flight has been delayed due to a change of equipment... Broken plane! And in-flight, "Sir, please move you're seat back forward." ... Well I don't bend that way! If I could put my seat back forward I'd be in p0rno movies! Then they mention carry-on luggage. First time I heard carrion I thought they would bring a dead deer on board! Why the hell do they need that!? What, don't they have those little TV dinners anymore!?

Then they keep changing the names on everything. For example, flight deck is just a new euphamism for C0CKPIT. I can't imagine why they wouldn't want to use such a colorful word such as C0CKPIT, can you? Especially since it has all those lovely stuardesses coming in and out of it all the time! There's another thing that's changed. First it was hostess, then it was stuardess and now its flight attendant. Ya know what I call 'em? "The lady on the plane." Sometimes it's a man on the plane. Okay, equallity.

Sometimes, they actually refer to these people as "Uniformed Crewmembers". Uniformed... as opposed to that fat guy sitting next to you in the "Grateful Dead" T-shirt and the "*censored* you!" hat! Who's working on his ninth little Pinha Colada I might add!
« Last Edit: Jun 30th, 2006, 11:24pm by Lithe » User IP Logged

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xx Re: Things That Really Piss Me Off
« Reply #7 on: Jun 30th, 2006, 4:28pm »

on Jun 30th, 2006, 3:56pm, Lithe wrote:
... You know what I tell these people!?
PRE-SUCK MY GENITAL SITUATION!!!

... And they seem to understand what i'm talking about.


XD! X*friggin*D! I'm sorry if this wasn't the reaction you were looking for, but your entire rant is HILARIOUS! This was just the funniest part.
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xx Re: Things That Really Piss Me Off
« Reply #8 on: Jun 30th, 2006, 11:11pm »

No, im glad some people enjoyed it. i was initially afraid someone would jump down my throat for the reasons explained at the top of the thread.
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xx Re: Things That Really Piss Me Off
« Reply #9 on: Jul 1st, 2006, 12:04am »

good. now i can laugh my head off. cheesy its a free country, say what you want, but don't go overboard, ya know. grin
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xx Re: Things That Really Piss Me Off
« Reply #10 on: Jul 14th, 2006, 09:42am »

Well, me being an American, I feel I should stop complaining and must stick up for my country once in a while. It's a sense of in-born patriotism that compells me to do so, if it is even possible in this new American culture that has no shortage of things to complain about...

So, for the next few minutes I would like to talk about the War in Iraq. So called "War on Terror". Ever since governor Bush got sworn in, Americans never left somethign they didn't like alone and hoped someone else would fix it for them. And ever since governor Bush got sworn in, people just started declaring war on stuff. Something they don't like? Declare war on it! There's the War on Terror, the War on Iraq, War on Al Quaeda, War on Freedom, War on Crime, War on P0rn and the bigest joke of them all, the War on Drugs.

So now, they finally have someone else to fix those problems for them. The Military and Law Enforcement! And from my knowledge the US Marine Corps sits in Iraq, supposedly hunting Terrorists and abusing detainees. The Law Enforcement back home seem more focused on cute girls in mini-skirts than anything else.

And speaking of war, thats all we ever do now. It's a normal part of American life now! War is now televised and nine times out of ten gets good ratings! Well? We like war! We're a warlike people! We like war because we're good at it! You know why we're good at it? Because we get alot of practice! America is only 200 years old and we've already had 10 major wars! We average a major war every 20 years in this country so we're good at it! nd it's a good thing we are, 'cause we're not good at anything else anymore!

Eh? Cant build a decent car! Can't make a TV set or a VCR worth a Censored . Got no steel industry left! Can't educate our young people! Can't get healthcare to our old people! But we can BOMB the Censored out of you'r country alright!

*Explodey noises*

Especially if you'r country is full of brown people. We like that, dont we? That's something of a hobby! That's become our new job in the world; bombing brown people! Iraq, Panama, Grenada, Libya... You got some brown people in you'r country tell 'em to WATCH THE Censored OUT! Or well Censored BOMB them!

Well when's the last white people that we bombed? Can you remember the last white... remember ANY white people?! We've ever bombed!? The Germans, those are the only ones! And that was because they were trying to cut into our action! They wanted to dominate the world! BullCensored , THATS OUR Censored IN' JOB! THATS OUR Censored IN' JOB! *More explodey noises*
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xx Re: Things That Really Piss Me Off
« Reply #11 on: Jul 14th, 2006, 12:14pm »

Wow now thats entertaining very funny Lithe! You wanna know what grinds my gears? THERE'S NO ORIGINALITY IN MOVIES ANYMORE! I'm serious! Have you noticed that everthing nowadays in movies i sjust remakes! Such as.. Freaky Friday, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Omen, The Amityville Horror. And here's something that really gets me pissed, They are remakeing The Texas Chainsaw Massacre! How long has it been two years!? ORIGINALITY IS DEAD!!! AHHHHH! I had to get that out of my system.
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xx Re: Things That Really Piss Me Off
« Reply #12 on: Jul 14th, 2006, 12:50pm »

Feel free to post you're own rants here. Although I have a little poem i'd like to post which should be a break form the profane rantings you have come to expect of me.

Seems the US is only there in he Middle East to "free the people so they can have industry." I think thats what they do now, do around "freeing" countries and lay a little industry on them so they can enjoy the same benefits that America has... *coughcough*

-----------------------------------------------------------

AHHEM

Oh beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,

For strip-mined mountains majesty, above the asphalt plain,

America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,

And hides the Pines with billboard sighns from sea to oily sea! *salutes with the American flag flowing in background* grin
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xx Re: Things That Really Piss Me Off
« Reply #13 on: Jul 15th, 2006, 01:30am »

Yyyyyep. That's how it is.
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xx Re: Things That Really Piss Me Off
« Reply #14 on: Jul 15th, 2006, 03:01am »

I agree Placid... King Kong, Superman... *trials off*

Anyway, I am an Atheist who supports the theory of evolution, though I was not always this way. One of the things that bugged me and eventually led to my realization would be the ten Commandments. Heres my problem: Why are there ten? You don't need ten. I think the list of Commandments was deliberately and artficially inflated to get it up to ten.

Here's what I would think as an accurate representation of what they did. About five thousand years ago, a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try and figure out how to controll people. How to keep them in line. They new people back then were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some Commandments. Up on a mountain. When no one was around.

Let me ask you this. When they were sitting around making this sh*t up, why did they pick ten? Why not nine or eleven? Because ten sound official. ten sounds important. Ten is the basis for the decimal system. Its a psychologically satisfying number. The top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed... They knew if it was eleven people wouldn't take it seirously! "What are you kidding me? The eleven commandments!? Get the *censored* out of here!" So having ten commandments was actually a marketing decision! And to me its clearly a bullsh*t list, its a political doccument artificially infated to sell better. Im going to show you how you can reduce the number of commandments and come up with a list thats a little more workable and logical.

We're going to start with the first three, and i'll use the Roman Catholic version becuase it was the one I was brought up with...

I am the lord thy god thou shall not have strange gods before me...

Thou shall not take the name of the lord thy god in vain...

Thou shalt keep holy this sabath...

Right off the bat. The first three, complete bullsh*t! Strange gods, lords name, sabath day. Spooky language designed to scare and control primitive peoples. In no way does superstitions nonsense like this apply to the lvies of intellegent civilized humans in the twenty-first century. Throw out the first three and you'r down to seven. Next...

Thou shall honor thy father and mother...

Obedience. Respect for authority. Just another name for controlling people. The truth is, obedience and respect should be earned, not automatic and shoudl be based on the parents preformance. Some parents deserve respect, most of them dont... You'r down to six.

Now, in the interest of logic, something religion is very uncomfortable with, we're going to jump around the list a little bit.

Thou shalt not steal...

Thou shalt not bear false witness...

Stealing and lying. Actually these two prohibit the same kind of behavior. Dishonesty. So why not take those two commandments and combine them into:

Thou shalt not be dishonest...

And suddenly your down to five. And as long as we're combining I have two more that would go together.

Thou shalt not commit adultry...

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife...

Once again, these two prohibit the same kind of behavior. Marital infedelity. The difference is that coveting takes place in the mind, and I don't think you should outlaw fantasising about someone elses wife, otherwise whats a guy gonna think about when he's waxing his carrot? But marital infedelity is a good idea, so we're going to call this one:

Thou shalt not be unfaithful...

But now that you think about it, honesty and fidelity are really part of the same overall value. So in truth, you could combine the honesty comandments with the fidelity comandments and give them positive language instead of negative and call it:

Thou shall always be honest and faithful...

And we're down to three.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors goods...

This one's just plain stupid. Coveting thy neighbors goods is what keeps the economy going! You'r neightbor gets an armor-piercing heat-seeking anti-air personal missile launcher... you want one too! Coveting thy neighbors goods creates jobs, leave it alone. Toss that one out and we've only got two. The big honesty and fidelity commandment and:

Thou shalt not kill...

Murder. But when you think about it, religion never had a really big problem with murder. More people have been killed in the name of god than for any other reason! All you ahve to do is look at Northern Ireland, the Middle East, Kashmir, the Inquisition, the Crusades and 9/11 to get a good idea of how seriously they take 'Thou shalt not kill...'. The more devout they are, the more they see murder as being negotiable.

So, with all of this in mind, I leave you with my revised lsit of the Two Commandments.

Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie...

Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless ofcourse they pray to a different invisible man in the sky than you pray to...

Two is all you need, Moses could have carried them down the hill in his *censored*ing pocket,a nd if they had a list like that i wouldn't mind those folks in Alabama putting it up on the courthouse wall. As logn as they include one adittional commandment:

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself!
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xx Re: Things That Really Piss Me Off
« Reply #15 on: Jul 15th, 2006, 03:15am »

Dude, you should get a TV show. People would actually pay money to hear you.

I know I'd go to it.
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xx Re: Things That Really Piss Me Off
« Reply #16 on: Jul 15th, 2006, 03:26am »

Heh, I wouldn't know that I had a fanbase from the lack of different posters.
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xx Re: Things That Really Piss Me Off
« Reply #17 on: Jul 15th, 2006, 10:42am »

Your funny, dude. Keep it up. I don't even agree with half of what you say, but I have respect for these well done rants.
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xx Re: Things That Really Piss Me Off
« Reply #18 on: Jul 16th, 2006, 3:51pm »

*clapping in the background*

"And now, a message from the President of the United states."

"Tonight I want to take a few minutes to discuss a great threat to peace.

The dictator who is assembling the world's most dangerous weapons... Is here in our own country.

He is the homicidal dictator who is addicted to Weapons of Mass Destruction.

He has proven he is capable of any crime.

That tyrant is me.

I have recieved directions from the Administration...

To support the use of violence against all of you.

I will kill thousands...

Or...

Hundreds of thousands of innocent people in our country, and across the world.

I resolve to bring sudden terror and suffering, with horrible poisons, diseases and gasses.

Men and women...

Boys and girls...

Thousands of civillians...

Will be killed in a single day.

Murdered at random...

And without remorse.

My ultimate ambitions are to control the peoples of the United States, and to blackmail the rest of the world with Weapons of mass terror...

Weapons of Mass Destruction...

*scream*

Weapons... Of...

*several gunshots*

Mass... Destruction..."


http://youtube.com/watch?v=NWJZm1jM7ZI&search=the%20tyrant
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xx Re: Things That Really Piss Me Off
« Reply #19 on: Jul 17th, 2006, 02:25am »

Sorry about that... Anyway, with Diane gone and that presidential note out of the way, I can finally begin working on a new rant Expect one to come within the next week if i'm not busy.
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xx Re: Things That Really Piss Me Off
« Reply #20 on: Jul 23rd, 2006, 1:03pm »

Well, I love words, I thank you for hearing my words, I wish to tell you something about words that I think is important. Thoguh I say they're my work, they're my play... Words are all we have really. There are some people that aren't into ALL the words, there are some poeple who would have you not use certain words... There are four-hundred thousand words in the english language... And there are seven of them that you cant say on television... What a ratio that is.

Three hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety three... To seven They must reeeeeeally be bad. They'd have to be outrageous to be seperated from a group that large! Thats what they told you they were, "Thats a bad word!" *cry* ... There ar eno bad words! Bad thoughts, bad intentions, and words. You know the seven that you can't say on television, dont you? *censored*piss*censored**censored*Censored suckermother*censored*ernitits eh?

... Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that'll infect your soul... Curve your spine... And prevent the country from winning the wars... *censored*piss*censored**censored*Censored suckermother*censored*erntits wow...

You can understand why some of them are there... I mean im not completely insensitive to peoples feelings. I can dig why some of those words got on the list... Like... Censored sucker and mother*censored*er... Those are... Those are heavyweight words... Theres alot goin' on there man... besides the literal translaton and the emotional impact, ther just busy words. Theres alot of syllables to contendw with, and those regressive Ks, they kinda jump out at you.

Now we mentioned sh*t earlier ofcourse, two other four-letter anglosaxon words are piss and *censored* which go together ofcourse but forget that... A little accidental humor there... Well the reason that piss and *censored* are on the list is that a long time ago, certain ladies said "Those are the two i'm not going to say! I don't midn *censored* and sh*t but P and C are out!" ... Which lead to such stupid sentences as "Okay you *censored*ers im going to tinkle now!"

And ofcourse the word *censored* *sigh*... Ironic though, it is the beginning of life and yet we use the word to hurt each other quite often. Much wiser men than I have said "I would rather have my son watch a film with two people making love than two people trying to kill one another." And I ofcouse can agree, it's a great sentiment, I wish I knew who said it first and I agree with that, but just to show a point, I want to replace the word "kill" with the word "*censored*" in all the action movie cliche's we grew up with. "Okay sherrif we're gonna *censored* ya now... But we're gonna *censored* ya slow!"

However, there are two way words. The ones mentioned above are the ones you can NEVER say on television under ANY circumstance. You can just never say them EVER EVER EVER, not even clinically, you can't weave them in on the pannel with Doc and Ed and Johnny I mean it's just impossible... But there are twoway words! Those double-meaning words. Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade?

And the Censored crowed three times, "Ya the Censored crowed three times yeeeeeh! It's in the Bible yeeeheheeeeh!" Like it's okay for Kurt Goudy to say "Roberto Climenti has two balls en ummm..." But he can't say, "I think he hurt is balls on that play Tony, don't you? He's holding them, it must be pretty bad..." And the other two-way word that goes with that one is prick. It's okay if it happens to your finger! You can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick, no no!

When I started running through all the cattegories of dirty words, I realized there are more ways to describe filthy words than there are filthy words. Seemed curious to me. I found an awful lot of ways to reffer to them. I called them, bad language, dirty, filthy, foul, vile, vulgar, coarse, unseemly, in poor taste, street language, locker room talk, gutter talk, barracks langauge, nauhgty, saucy, boady, raunchy, rude, lude, lacidious, indecent, profane, obscene, off-color, risky, suggestive, cursing, cussing, swearing... All I could think of was *censored*piss*censored**censored*Censored suckermother*censored*erntits man...
« Last Edit: Jul 23rd, 2006, 1:07pm by Lithe » User IP Logged

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